Many of my friends have already heard this tale, but a good story bears hearing twice. This is an account of my conversion to faith in Jesus Christ alone, at the age of twenty-one. Depending on your background, the notion of basing one's whole life on the words of a Jewish man who lived 2000 years ago might sound, well, ridiculous. Read on and find out why I have done just that. Maybe you'll see something you hadn't before.
Though I wasn't born into a particularly religious home, at the age of ten I received a bible from my mother. I was moved by curiosity to read various portions of the Old Testament, but soon I became gripped by the stories and believed every word I read. Harrowing accounts like those in the book of Judges, where the enemies of Gideon were moved by God to hack one another to pieces, terrified me so greatly with Divine power, that I resolved to offer something myself to balance the debt I now felt for my own sins toward God. Of course Patriarchs sacrificed bulls and goats, but what had I to offer besides myself?
Calling my siblings for witnesses, I cut a fistful of hair from my head as as a symbol and set the shorn locks in a bag upon my desk.My honest expectation was to find the next morning, like the offering of Gideon taken up in flames, or even as teeth whisked off by the proverbial fairy, my bag of hair taken away, accepted by God as an effigy of my whole self. In its place would be an assurance that I was at peace with the LORD. My pledge to serve the Almighty would be sufficient to atone for my trespasses, I thought. Imagine, then, my childish horror when dawn rose to reveal my packet of hair lying untouched at my bedside. Fears mounted in my mind that I had not been forgiven after all.
Some months later, I happened upon the radio broadcast of an evangelist leading his audience in a generic "altar call." I was mesmerized by this man's promise that somehow, Jesus had made a way for God to pardon the sins of anyone who prayed the "sinner's prayer" and ceased from practicing "habitual sins". My understanding of the message was that by dying on the cross, Jesus had graciously made a way for me to be saved. This was, however, decisively on condition that I, out of my own natural power, would ask forgiveness and live a life of dutiful obedience. Of course no one lives perfectly, so I imagined daily sins must require daily requests for fresh forgiveness -- a kind of new application of the blood -- or perhaps God only cast off persons guilty of more severe or repetitive sins. Little did I realize how close, even practically identical my view of the gospel was to Roman Catholicism. Nevertheless, now that I had prayed the special prayer, promised to repent each day of minor errors, and resolved never to practice mortal sins, I considered myself to be "saved". I began earnestly to tell others how I believed they, too, could get right with God.
To me, faith was one's commitment to obey God and ask forgiveness for any slip-ups along the way. Faith began with trusting that God could forgive you, and finished with believing He would forgive you if you did those few things required of Christians who sinned: contrition, confession, and renewed obedience to the commands of God. Though others seemed confident of their state, I wondered how much I had to obey to have assurance that I really had believed, and that I would continue doing the things required of me. Whenever I lapsed into a blatant sin, I trembled to ask myself, 'is this habitual yet?' And if it was, had I begun to fall away from my salvation?
Frequently I would be overcome with strong fears of the moral requirements described in God's Law. "Do not lie." "Do not lust." "Do not hate." "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." "Love God with all your heart." Sometimes, when under heavy conviction and fear of judgment, I would try to resolve never to sin in some particular way again. For instance, at thirteen years of age, I swore never again to lust, and sealed the oath by holding to my ankle a large nail heated red-hot over the stove. Though a scar remains to this day, the zeal did not. Fits and stops went on and on, right through bible college and missionary service abroad. Pangs of fear would result in new resolutions and zealous purges of questionable possessions. Then the fear would subside and I would gather it all back again. Still I had no vital assurance that Christ would save me from God's wrath against sin.
My assurance of God's favor continued to erode over time. I strove harder in spasms of rigid moralism, expecting that if I lived within a certain gray-zone of Christian conduct, I would feel more certain of my salvation. In summer of 2006, I moved across the country. It was a desperate attempt to change my surroundings and improve my chances of practical holiness. While reading through the Psalms on the floor of my unfurnished apartment I found myself more destitute of hope than ever. The standard of scripture seemed so high. King David wrote of his love for God, saying, "there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee." [Psm 73] And, "One thing I have desired of the Lord, that will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in His temple." [Psm 27] If I was honest, I must admit that I wanted so many things besides the Lord, even to the exclusion of the Lord. If not for fears of the consequences, I would confess I wanted a great deal of vain glory, pompous wealth and illicit sex. For fear of my reputation and of being damned, I kept these things smoldering in my heart, but O! how I would have wanted a way to have both this world and the next!
Often I was confronted with the passage in the Psalms, "Who shall dwell in thy holy hill? He that walks uprightly, and works righteousness, and speaks the truth in his heart." I was not upright, nor righteous in works. My mouth was full of deceit, I thought. How then could I dwell in heaven, upon God's holy hill?
I shuddered through the seventh chapter of Matthew, "Every tree that brings not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that says to me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that does the will of my Father which is in heaven."Christ's words, "Depart from me, I never knew you, you workers of iniquity!" convinced me more firmly than ever that I would not be spared from God's wrath if I was resolved to continue in any particular sin. But sensing my bondage to selfish habits, I grew ever fearful and even spiteful of God. Now I came to see my hatred and distrust of the LORD, even secretly hoping for a way to escape His judgment, or wishing for some way to get rid of Him entirely so I could be done with my fears and live however I wanted. How blasphemous! Questioning God's wisdom and right!
By God's grace, about this time I began to see and accept what I had never believed in my heart of hearts: that God was not only omnipotent, but infinitely holy. No longer did I think of His law as an arbitrary rule which I had broken, but as the epitome of perfection; a holy, just, and good revelation of God's wisdom. If God now chose to consign me to hell, I thought He would be good and right in doing so. This made all the difference. Now I felt myself really deserving of death and punishment for failing to worship Him worthily. I was taking sides with God against myself, rather than pitying myself for being at the bad end of His reign and rod. This revelation compounded my fear with mourning for having offended so good a God as Jehovah.
In a final struggle, I left a group of professing Christians one Friday night disgusted with our comfortably corrupt lifestyles. We had prided ourselves on being exemplary, but took unabashed pleasure in wicked music and sensual films; our mouths frothed with proud, filthy, and idle words; our ambitions seemed mostly vain enterprises of self-interest; we expressed little or no prayerful care for the glory of God and the salvation of the lost. At once ashamed and angry with myself and all the Christians I knew, I was both enraged and abased for the fact that none of us honored God as He deserved. The Father had sent His priceless Son to die, and we were ungrateful! For all His gifts and mercies we hid our lights beneath baskets. 'We deserve to be damned!' I growled as I walked to my vehicle.
In the privacy of the driver's seat I confessed every sin I knew in myself. "I hate that I lust. I hate that I lie." At first the confessions were silent, my face contorted by grief and tears. I began to think of how good God was, sending Jesus to die for sinners. Jesus, who had been so good to the hopeless adulteress and publican, I now felt was under the heel of my sins. I saw my restless lusts spitting in the awesome face of Deity. Yet for all my rebellion God had allowed me to live day after day! I felt more keenly how worthy He is of total worship and commitment, not only of the lips but of one's whole life. Since I was sure I would never achieve this lofty goal, I prayed desperately for God to raise up a servant to Himself, one who would obey God as He deserved. Someone who would dedicate their life to preaching and doing everything possible to be the means of others' salvation. I thought of all the people downtown partying, at that moment, Christless people dying without hope in the gospel, and myself unfit to serve God in ministering to them. Passion overflowed into weeping and shouts of anguish, until I cried, "God, I will not stop lying! I will not stop lusting and stealing and hating! Oh, God, I want to stop, but I can't stop wanting to sin! For your sake, O God, save me from this sinful heart in me!"
For all this, I was not at the end of myself. I had still not seen my soul so truly the spiritual corpse that it was. I know this because I suddenly swore, tears burning on my cheeks, 'If no one else will stand for Christ and preach to the lost souls downtown, then I will, saved or not!' It was a depressing thing to behold, how for the next several hours I stalked up and down the blocks of cheerful patrons outside bars and clubs, unable to summon even a syllable to my lips by which to speak the gospel to them. The truth is, I had no good news to offer and I knew it. Conviction in my heart seemed to say, "What hope can you offer these people? You have none. Who are you to tell them to repent and believe, when you have not?"
I went home that night more dejected than ever and knelt on my plain wooden floor. My prayers became sobs and I agonized, groping for light as a soul in hell would plead for water. "God save me! Please save me!" More painfully did I plead, secretly hoping the Father would show pity on account of the quality of my despair. I even hoped against hope that God would change me miraculously! But I cast this idea off shamefully, having been educated in college that such an intrusion by God upon my will would render love insincere. Despite this philosophical dilemma, I thought wishfully between heaving gasps, 'how good it would be if God would change me!'
This thought, that God will not or cannot somehow change people to obey Him, now struck me as strange. Throughout scripture God appears often to change people's hearts without their permission, and these changes are reflected in their wills. King Nebuchadnezzar was given the "heart of a beast" and proceeded to live like one. Conversely, King Saul was given "another heart" and for a time lived more respectably. Jeremiah foretold of God granting "new hearts" to His stubborn people, upon which the Law would be written. King David sang, "Incline my heart unto Thy Testimonies, and not to covetousness." If God could change them, why not me? Moreover, none of the saints seemed to have lived sinless lives, or to have even focused so much on the quality of their obedience as the basis of their faith. David committed adultery and proxy murder, yet presumed to still have the Spirit, else he could not have written, "take not Thy Holy Spirit from me." On the night of Christ's death, Jesus said, "Peter, I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not," which could only mean that Peter's continuation in faith was not upon the basis of his strength to repent from denying the Lord, but upon the Lord's strength to sustain Peter's faith!
So coming to a great stillness, I prayed, 'There is nothing more I can do. I have tried not to sin. I have tried to repent of my lusts. My only hope for salvation is that You simply choose to be merciful to me, a sinner. My only chance of living a godly life is for Your omnipotent Spirit to change who I am, to change my heart and grant me new desires. Lord, even if you send me to hell, please cause me to serve you. And if You will, please save me, purely out of Your freedom to be good to Whom you choose.'
Even as these words were spoken, I didn't perceive how God could justify saving me without a valid pledge of perpetual obedience. I simply realized He had done it in the scriptures, and hoped He might do it again for me. Then came an idea into my mind, with living force, like a firefly in the night: the faith which one has toward Christ must be that the Son Himself fulfills all things necessary to salvation, or else it is faith in oneself! With explosive hope, I said, "He is God, He can do it in me!" Why hadn't I thought this before? Of course He could do it! I began to take confidence and rejoice that, if He willed, Jesus had power to change me and save me!
This joy was quickly assaulted with a frightening question: 'So what if God can: What makes you think God desires to do this for you? What if He has marked you out for an example of His wrath and justice?' I paged through passages in my mind for answer, to whom does God extend this great kindness, and why? Scripture upon scripture came to mind.
"All who come to me I shall in no wise cast out." But is coming so simple as trusting God to somehow be merciful in Christ, or is coming really a lifelong process of obedience that one can fall from?
"Whosoever believes on Him shall not perish." Shall not! But is belief merely resting on God to freely pardon you, or is true belief the same as perpetual re-commitment to obey the moral commands of God?
"Salvation is by grace alone through faith alone." If I think of my obedience as coming decisively from me, it must not be grace alone. But this text says, grace alone, which means whatever is involved in salvation, it is all from God. And it is through faith alone, which then must come from God. God, give me faith!
"We are justified by faith without the works of the Law." The Law requires that I love God and neighbor, but here I read that justification is apart from the Law. I know that Christians are called to obey, but somehow my repentance for particular sins must not be the basis upon which salvation hinges! What is my faith to be in?
"Not be righteous deeds which we have done, but by His mercy He saved us."
Like a bright flash of light, the truth appeared! God would do it by grace! Because He is good, He promises to save whoever simply relies on Christ's kindness and power to pardon. Anyone who trusts Jesus to save them is promised salvation purely of grace, and even more grace to live holy lives.
'If I should only trust Christ to save me because He is good, and not for any of my works, then Jesus will do in me everything described of Christian life! He will forgive my sins and change my heart, merely through faith in Him and not because of any good in me. Oh the joy!'
I cannot say I felt immediate assurance of my personal interest in Christ. I only felt sure these gospel promises were true and that I wanted them for myself. There was a great sense of relief, believing I could do no more than trust God to save me, purely for the goodness He had demonstrated in sending Christ. Perhaps a week or two later I woke up sensing most remarkably that all was changed and new. Love and trust toward Christ seemed incredibly natural. I was persuaded of His free affections toward me. I found myself praying constantly and talking endlessly to others of His love and glory. I was no longer obeying in order to justify or secure myself, but wanted more than ever to obey my Father in heaven.
I have since learned that the reason God was able to accept my faith in Christ without regard to my obedience, was that Christ obeyed in my place, as my Federal Representative; my head, as the Second Adam. The perfect obedience of Jesus was credited to me through faith alone in Him, as if I had kept the whole Law myself. In exchange, my sins were imputed, that is, credited, to Him while He was on the cross. That is why I have confidence that once for all time my sins have been paid for.
Five years have passed. Battles have come and gone with both losses and victories, but God has kept me. I love Christ today more than ever. Not fifteen minutes have slipped away without some assurance of His grace to keep me in faith to the end. My trust is in the sovereign God who elected me from before the foundation of the world to receive grace upon grace in Christ, not according to works, but through faith not of myself but the gift of God. Amen, and God bless the reader. All glory to God in Jesus Christ.
11 comments:
Amen my dear friend. Praise God.
Its always good reading your testimony bro, its truly encouraging. Thank God for His amazing Grace!
God Bless
Ray
I love your testimony. It's amazing that as undeserving as we are that God has given us this so precious gift. It makes us want to be more of a servant to Him because He loved us first. Man, this is great. Amen!!!!!
I'm glad this has been a blessing to each of you. My prayer was and is that this story redirects praise to our Triune God. Thank the Lord!
Thanks Michael...such a great word! Brought hope and encouragement to me...God is truly sovereign. Truly 2 Cor 1:3 has been manifested in me through your testimony.
mike
Thank you Michael for your testimony. It's really encouraging. Yes, without his grace there is no hope.
Welcome, Debora. Thanks for the encouraging comment.
I love to read. And then I found myself reading this. I have been asking questions I thought God might not answer. They are so ... tangled. Grrr! I have been in a state of doubt and wonder. Disappointment even. Now I see something that wasn't there before. As though reading this took and comb through my thoughts so that I could hear God clearly. Even the smallest things can be great. Thank you for jotting this all down. Your testimony. God knew I needed to see this today. And he lead me to it. May God bless you and keep you ~nao
Praise God, Nao. I'm glad you were benefited. I'm often confounded, too, but the Lord graciously sustains His saints through His gospel.
I don't know which part of your testimony did I started crying. All I know is...it's like reading my own life....and keep on crying to to God for almost half an hour for reminding me that my salvation is His Grace and I cannot add anything to it...Ma. Cristina Isabel Cruz
Thank you, Ma, Cristina. I'm glad you were blessed.
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